yoda man

music: kashmir, kastadyne, rufus...

Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.
_Yoda

...anyhoo just pondering how true this is. i need myself a dose of eef barzelay! i need him to tell me that i love the unknown. done i have added eef to my lastfm playlist. woo! meh this is becoming tres pointless. but thats one step up from emo...so...progress, yay!

"I Love the Unknown" - Eef Barzelay - Rocket Science S

-x-x-

for rachellle - a list

was going to list some of my gods of music...but that got ridiculously long... and so i present to you a playlist of songs that make me happy [in no particular order...it has a kind of form tho]
...maybe happy is the wrong word...

because - the beatles
[need a separate beatles list: happiness is a warm gun, and i love her, northern song, twist and shout, yesterday, mr moonlight, one after 909, fixing a hole, when im sixty four, something...]

trio no 2 opus 67 - shostakovich
vois sur ton chemin - les choristes
girl from ipanema - astrud gilberto+stan getz
bewitched, bothered and bewildered - history boys
night and day - john barrowman+kevin kline
perhaps perhaps perhaps - lila downs
wake me up before you go-go – wham
the wind - cat stevens
summer girls – LFO
karma chameleon - culture club
island in the sun – weezer
road trippin' – rhcp
bakery - arctic monkeys
playdoh - the aquabats
my doorbell - the white stripes
hello – sugarbomb
mmmbop - hanson
alcoholic - starsailor
your song - elton john
that thing you do - the wonders
suzy - fools garden
daisy - ben lee
layla - eric Clapton
kate - ben folds five
paradise city - guns n roses
i think we're alone now - tiffany
afternoon delight - starland vocal band
greek song - rufus wainwright
perfect day - collective soul
i think i love you - david cassidy
drops of jupiter – train
smooth - santana+rob thomas
eskimo - damien rice
ma cherie amour - stevie wonder
fever dog - stillwater
chasing cars - snow patrol
at the bottom of everything - bright eyes
kiss off - violent femmes
you're so vain - carly simon
there goes my baby - the drifters
more than words - extreme
rebellion - arcade fire
hoppipolla - sigur ros
my december - linkin park
the pretender - foo fighters
she hates me - puddle of mudd
oedipus - regina spektor
chinese children - banhart
easy girl - coconut records
why georgia - john mayer
if you rescue me - science of sleep
at the zoo - simon and garfunkel
strange orchestras - t rex
let go - frou frou
all star - smash mouth
my generation - the who
the importance of being idle – oasis
should I stay or should I go - the clash
personal jesus - marilyn manson
wishlist - pearl jam
your arms around me - jens lekman
pour some sugar on me - def leppard
lucky lips - cliff Richard
sugar sugar - the archies
she's lost control - joy division
bent - matchbox 20
perfect - simple plan
everytime we say goodbye - ella fitzgerald
I miss you - blink 182
photograph - ringo starr
casimir pulaski day - sufjan stevens
a lifetime - better than ezra
hazard - richard marx
vincent - don mclean

ok i know the last ten songs are depressing...the last being the most depressing. may lead to tears if looped.
spent far too long composing and editing and ordering this list...and tomorrow i will probably look at it and wonder what i was thinking leaving out whatever. i blame nick hornby for exacerbating my list making condition...at least i didnt even attempt shortening this into a top 5!

a simple pick-me-up

i am such a cliche :D
but this is why i love simple plan.



<3

apparently awake, alive and attacking the keys

life can be hideous but in the hideousness are moments which would never have happened if u werent in the hideous place to begin with...like today was walking along and randomly met some happy people and happened to pass by and see leeds jazz boi with double bass in big double bass case, wearing summery shorts and chatting with a frend bout not knowing the time of some gig methinks...its not like i know jazz boi as is obviously from my not knowing his name but have seen him many times in the music school band cause i used to frequent free lunchtime concerts at the music school. i love coincidences like that. when i catch a glimpse of someone's life and i think wow, lucky to have seen that. it was still a crap day tho. i will not deny that. i ache. i sit here awake, tired but not sleepy. alone. but i had some cute emails waiting for me..and just ended a cute chat convi with my lowe, my pli. im good. thats all i need really. the beatles were right.

just typing this out as something to do during this phase of insomnia.

i can lie. i can fake it in social situations when i have to. but i swear a little part of me dies every time. but then it grows back like prometheus' liver. but there is one thing i cannot fake. declarations of love. if im not feeling it in the moment i cant say it. i go blank. maybe smile in response. like right i know you just said you love me and mostly i do. i really do. but right now...

of course there are people who i love unconditionally. all the time. forever.

listening to rufus wainwright. love him. the way he sings makes me feel what he's feeling...or makes me believe that i know what he's feeling anyway. have made a playlist of songs designed to make me feel better [michael buble, we are scientists, saliva, connels, regina, marissa, white stripes, coconut records, shins, rufus, sufjan, plain white tees, weezer...]

i do wonder about other people tho...are they similarly restricted? or can they lie lie lie to my face about how they feel about me? does someone whos never said it love me [he he thinking bout 'more than words' by extreme] ? not in the romantic way...i mean just in the way that there are some people i cant help but love...it takes one meeting and im hooked...and hate anything bad happening to them. do people who love me but who i dont love realise that i dont love them? does that make me a bad person [feeling nothing in return or maybe just momentarily not reciprocating]?

baby you can drive my car and maybe i'll love you

listening to the beatles. everything you need to know about life is encapsulated in each and every beatles song i say. and i dont mean the meaning of life is contained in all the songs put together. i mean any beatles song taken by itself is everything. says everything. let me pick an arbid song to demonstrate. perfect: 'drive my car' is playing now.



if i explain what i mean that wil spoil the point a bit. like the zen thing. words cannot express a thing as well as the thing itself can. so listen. watch. and all shall be revealed.

The snake smiled...

...as he watched them through the open window. The poor sods always working and worrying as if any of it mattered. Filling the windowsill with his long frame he watched and waited for the one making dinner to come to the window-box as she always did. And she did indeed do precisely that. She was a creature of habit as most humans are. Then he bit her. Snakes have habits too. And this one bit people. She couldn’t believe her eyes. How dramatic there were puncture marks by her thumb. What’s wrong? her partner asked. I think I was bitten by a snake. A snake? It couldn’t have been. Look. Look at my hand. It was probably just that bent nail. Let’s eat. I could go on to say that they ate a normal meal and had a normal conversation, then halfway through dessert she collapsed into the custard. But I won’t say that because it didn’t happen like that. He wasn’t a poisonous snake, just one with itchy teeth. The wound started looking faintly yellow and sickly the next day. She looked at it in the mirror as she brushed her teeth.

The snake moved on to its next victim. Sometimes he liked simply to scare people. This time he curled around a plastic shovel that had been left in the garden and waited. Little boys were always leaving things all over the place. And it could be a day to whenever before they were required again and found and put away. He closed his eyes and settled down to nap. It was a sunny day. He loved the sun. it was a day and a half later when he was found. The boy came out to build a fort and saw him. He was still sleeping when he was picked up by chubby but strong hands. It was a first for him. The chokehold on his neck awoke him and he tried to focus. The boy lost interest in a few seconds and he dropped to the ground. An elaborate fort was constructed and the snake slithered slowly away into the long grass.

Tunng – Sweet William

bubble gum tongue

methinks am made to appreciate the simple pleasures of life [like troy in reality bites] am listening to john mayer [daughters] and eating a dark choc flake [didnt know of its existence..heavenly...better than flake! and id never imagined that to be poss...] thinking about man u [all the cute happy bois in the funny hats] winning the premier league flat out [because chelsea drew and so we didnt even win on goal diff altho it is some 19 goals :D] and the long long convi avec divya yest night...and lab being online today morn. its all good. so i dont know where my life is going. but now is good. [this is bound to be a while...something bout the way the hair falls in your face...] mayer gets the little things...

...got to go vacuum the stairs and the upstairs. shud be good. wil put on some cleaning up cheery music. then going to the lib later today. got to renew a book...and the other one i havent started on [might return it and get nother one...] replied to a lot of happy facebook posts...think i thought they were happy cause im in a good mood today...

because the sky is blue [sortof grey-white now acc :)]..it makes me cryyyy [but i think thats a good sort of crying...was watching a bit of sliding doors yest and john hannah has these lines where he talks to a guy listening to some song on the headphones and he tells him that they stole the lines from the beatles and goes on about how he thinks people automatically know beatles lyrics from birth like it gets into you amniotically...and really they should be called the fetals :D classic!]

i listen to the wind...

...to the wind of my soul...

i have a plan for today :) [...i let my music take me where my heart wants to go...almost famous, saving my life since i first watched it...way back when i didnt know all the dialogue and all the lyrics of every single song and every frame...] anyway the plan is this. makeover time..lol. not really. going to leeds in the afternoon so that gives me all morning to polish my toe nails and shave my legs and things...hoping to wear my green skirt with the leaves on and the yellow top which looks like a babys smocking dress, made out of the softest tee shirt material ever...and be penny lane.

i feel shit

i'm completely sick of this blog reading like some happy happy land of bunnies and fluff and bises [although they can be amazing sometimes] i might as well be honest, life at the moment sucks big time. sucks emo levels. i can relate with songs like 'this is all the thanks that i get' - coconut records and every single joy division song but especially 'she's lost control' and... basically i dont feel like im living in my life. its like im in a dream that im always hoping to wake up from but never do. i miss home although i can admit that it doesnt exist anymore. not home the way i remember it. pri a walk away [orange light and the sound of the trains outside her window] back when times zones were an abstract concept and i didnt feel like a person pretending to be happy. maybe im just having a bad couple of days or maybe iv been let out of the denial asylum briefly. i dont want to let myself relax and remember any of my perfect fantasies about the future...or the past..and dont even get me started on right now. maybe if i slow down and think about the little things. but no, that is crap that iv been feeding myself in a sad attempt at convincing myself that im in control of my own happiness. my life is like an old cartoon. theres always a canyon to fall into. a piano waiting to fall on my head.

i used to miss some people so much it hurt. then i let myself get used to the fact that there was nothing i could do to change anything. i was here. they were there. and transporter things hadnt been invented yet...and then you remember that you do in fact miss them in that place that uv sqaushed so tiny way back in ur brain...and its constant. its not being able to hear the same stupid stories over and over again. its walking down the road and not holding hands. my fingers feel neglected. and there is no replacement for that. holding hands with someone else is not the answer. i want to be stared at while i crunch on stupid bones. i want to be hypnotised by hair twirling. i want to go over specifically to fall asleep in a bed that is definitely not designed for the amount of people who end up in it. why do i feel like im still pretending? as i type everything becomes a lie.

i want my hazel smashed in the gap between my back and the sofa.
i want chilli beef
i want to go to sleep at 5 [at divyas house]knowing ill have to wake up in 2 hours...
i want dinesh's lameass attempts at being scary in the middle of the night. boo. like that works?
i want to feed the fish
i want to pick wild flowers with dee in school
i want to be sung to
i want to call pli and have her say whats wrong? as soon as i say hello
i want to hear labbu making a joke while im in the middle of a full on breakdown
i want to dissect dee's coordinated to death outfit
i want a chrishy hug
i want to pretend fish
i want to sleep and not worry
i want kool aid
i want halloween
i want extra strong mints
i want merengue with the cuban boi
i want amita doing the fake posh voice
i want graem
i want dinner at niv's
i want terraces and stars and jeff greene and money plants in the bathroom.

i am not going to the gym tomorrow.
i am not going to sleep now.
how fucking lame. my pathetic attempts at control. ud think id be pretty resigned by now.

this says nothing. what i meant to say is this: i feel like shit at the moment because i dont control my life, my parents do. and nothing can change this. this cannot be changed by me taking a stand and taking control, because that leaves me in shit. knowing that everyone else is upset. to be me is to care about that fact. the upsetness upsets me which leads me right back to where i began. with zero control of what supposedly is my life. its the fucking circle of my life. that leaves me with having to deal with feeling shattered and camouflaging and hiding and keeping me from everyone else. cause right now i feel like murder. lashing out. using words to be mean mean mean to anyone everyone. other than divya who understands. feel to complain to dinesh. its a weird thing. he is very easy to talk to when upset. the response is very apt. but i dont really want to talk. talking means explain why im upset which leads back to the verge of a nervous breakdown and listening to joy division in a darkened room. i want a lollipop.

recycling idea 1

what u need: plastic mesh packaging [that onions, plums, peaches, nectarines etc come in]
to make: plastic dish scrubber [like the wire wool kind except gentler and equally effective]

• take 2 of the mesh packaging things which wudve otherwise gone in the bin
• cut out any metal bits for they could scratch the lovely Teflon surfaces etc
  
• lay one on top of the other and put a knot in the middle
• continue making knots until it looks as follows

• maintenance: tighten after washes [if needed] by pulling on the end bits

:)

ps. memorised 'as i walked out one evening' by w.h. auden [wystan hugh! how awesome...] then half way through the lines started sounding really familiar and i could hear this voice declaiming it all deep like and remembered that it was ethan hawke imitating a recording in before sunrise :) now that's two auden poems in genius movies.

bits of paper...

this be about a good year obv...

this is like a reminder one, for to watch more kevin smith, read watchmen etc

bout how ppl r naturally multiple personalitied

joe cole, ruffalo, control pour zivya

i heart michelle pfeiffer
...and finally here they all are up on my wall.and in the process i cleaned up some drawers in my desk and made a huge pile of paper for the recycling bin which is definitely a satisfying feeling.

brozzers

resemblances make me happy. :)