...it's the most annoying thing. it's being worried about messing it up so much that i can't even start. it's hating myself but...inertia that's the perfect word for it...i am that ball rolling along...waiting always waiting for something anything to come along and stop me...kick me...make me roll another way...and i know i have to do the literature review now. cause if i don't i will hate myself so much more later. and that will suck. and also break one of the rules. the big ones. the ones i made. for myself. do not do anything that brings on guilt. and yeah that works on the big stuff. i don't betray my friends...do drugs...lie to my parents [not big ones anyway...]...but this is guilt inducing to. cause I'm not doing what I'm s'posed to be doing...i suck. sigh.
i feel alone. just want a zooey glass in my life really. someone who's going to call me up pretending to be buddy...someone who's going to tell me exactly how fucked up i am...words of love. what needs to be said. salinger knows all. he wrote the glass family. how? ...one more thing to think about rather than work. shit. well my only theory now is that i need a change. too late for a change of location. don't want to walk up to uni now. so..got my hair up a different way. back to the ol' sigur ros strategy? or what? what??
Saturday, 31 March 2007
guess this is just a whiny lil thingy im gonna do...dont have a journal on paper anymore..dont kno why i stopped doing that...maybe that's y im going insane..anyway...got to go work on the bledy lit review in the afternoon..it goes on...life goes on...went to the brit lib yest...found the complete plays of sarah kane...she killed herself in '98, that's not long ago at all. she's close enough to touch...she was where i am...i dont kno if she was here precisely but blasted was set in leeds...read bits of the beatles anthology also...photocopied stufs for my walls...read some serious for proj stuf also...made notes...photocopies...people's names pop up.. familiar names...names i know, names iv met...names iv read...names in a telephone book...shostakovich...theres a version of hamlet out there in the world somewhere...in russian...with a score by shostakovich...how quirky and delightful...wonder if i'll ever find it...maybe i'll trip over it someday in a delighfully surprising way...
...dreamt of chennai ppls. sighs. it was absurd, but real. painful. but bootiful. wish i was there. dont kno when i will be next. i do kno that it will be different. empty. lacking. more people moved away. moved on. sigh.
hope i get some work done today. got to.