apparently awake, alive and attacking the keys

life can be hideous but in the hideousness are moments which would never have happened if u werent in the hideous place to begin with...like today was walking along and randomly met some happy people and happened to pass by and see leeds jazz boi with double bass in big double bass case, wearing summery shorts and chatting with a frend bout not knowing the time of some gig methinks...its not like i know jazz boi as is obviously from my not knowing his name but have seen him many times in the music school band cause i used to frequent free lunchtime concerts at the music school. i love coincidences like that. when i catch a glimpse of someone's life and i think wow, lucky to have seen that. it was still a crap day tho. i will not deny that. i ache. i sit here awake, tired but not sleepy. alone. but i had some cute emails waiting for me..and just ended a cute chat convi with my lowe, my pli. im good. thats all i need really. the beatles were right.

just typing this out as something to do during this phase of insomnia.

i can lie. i can fake it in social situations when i have to. but i swear a little part of me dies every time. but then it grows back like prometheus' liver. but there is one thing i cannot fake. declarations of love. if im not feeling it in the moment i cant say it. i go blank. maybe smile in response. like right i know you just said you love me and mostly i do. i really do. but right now...

of course there are people who i love unconditionally. all the time. forever.

listening to rufus wainwright. love him. the way he sings makes me feel what he's feeling...or makes me believe that i know what he's feeling anyway. have made a playlist of songs designed to make me feel better [michael buble, we are scientists, saliva, connels, regina, marissa, white stripes, coconut records, shins, rufus, sufjan, plain white tees, weezer...]

i do wonder about other people tho...are they similarly restricted? or can they lie lie lie to my face about how they feel about me? does someone whos never said it love me [he he thinking bout 'more than words' by extreme] ? not in the romantic way...i mean just in the way that there are some people i cant help but love...it takes one meeting and im hooked...and hate anything bad happening to them. do people who love me but who i dont love realise that i dont love them? does that make me a bad person [feeling nothing in return or maybe just momentarily not reciprocating]?