i feel shit

i'm completely sick of this blog reading like some happy happy land of bunnies and fluff and bises [although they can be amazing sometimes] i might as well be honest, life at the moment sucks big time. sucks emo levels. i can relate with songs like 'this is all the thanks that i get' - coconut records and every single joy division song but especially 'she's lost control' and... basically i dont feel like im living in my life. its like im in a dream that im always hoping to wake up from but never do. i miss home although i can admit that it doesnt exist anymore. not home the way i remember it. pri a walk away [orange light and the sound of the trains outside her window] back when times zones were an abstract concept and i didnt feel like a person pretending to be happy. maybe im just having a bad couple of days or maybe iv been let out of the denial asylum briefly. i dont want to let myself relax and remember any of my perfect fantasies about the future...or the past..and dont even get me started on right now. maybe if i slow down and think about the little things. but no, that is crap that iv been feeding myself in a sad attempt at convincing myself that im in control of my own happiness. my life is like an old cartoon. theres always a canyon to fall into. a piano waiting to fall on my head.

i used to miss some people so much it hurt. then i let myself get used to the fact that there was nothing i could do to change anything. i was here. they were there. and transporter things hadnt been invented yet...and then you remember that you do in fact miss them in that place that uv sqaushed so tiny way back in ur brain...and its constant. its not being able to hear the same stupid stories over and over again. its walking down the road and not holding hands. my fingers feel neglected. and there is no replacement for that. holding hands with someone else is not the answer. i want to be stared at while i crunch on stupid bones. i want to be hypnotised by hair twirling. i want to go over specifically to fall asleep in a bed that is definitely not designed for the amount of people who end up in it. why do i feel like im still pretending? as i type everything becomes a lie.

i want my hazel smashed in the gap between my back and the sofa.
i want chilli beef
i want to go to sleep at 5 [at divyas house]knowing ill have to wake up in 2 hours...
i want dinesh's lameass attempts at being scary in the middle of the night. boo. like that works?
i want to feed the fish
i want to pick wild flowers with dee in school
i want to be sung to
i want to call pli and have her say whats wrong? as soon as i say hello
i want to hear labbu making a joke while im in the middle of a full on breakdown
i want to dissect dee's coordinated to death outfit
i want a chrishy hug
i want to pretend fish
i want to sleep and not worry
i want kool aid
i want halloween
i want extra strong mints
i want merengue with the cuban boi
i want amita doing the fake posh voice
i want graem
i want dinner at niv's
i want terraces and stars and jeff greene and money plants in the bathroom.

i am not going to the gym tomorrow.
i am not going to sleep now.
how fucking lame. my pathetic attempts at control. ud think id be pretty resigned by now.

this says nothing. what i meant to say is this: i feel like shit at the moment because i dont control my life, my parents do. and nothing can change this. this cannot be changed by me taking a stand and taking control, because that leaves me in shit. knowing that everyone else is upset. to be me is to care about that fact. the upsetness upsets me which leads me right back to where i began. with zero control of what supposedly is my life. its the fucking circle of my life. that leaves me with having to deal with feeling shattered and camouflaging and hiding and keeping me from everyone else. cause right now i feel like murder. lashing out. using words to be mean mean mean to anyone everyone. other than divya who understands. feel to complain to dinesh. its a weird thing. he is very easy to talk to when upset. the response is very apt. but i dont really want to talk. talking means explain why im upset which leads back to the verge of a nervous breakdown and listening to joy division in a darkened room. i want a lollipop.